Welton’s Assistant Mr. Higgins Promoted to Director of Football Operations

Leslie Higgins was promoted from garden gnome to Director of Football Operations late last night. Though some outside of Nelson Road may have been surprised, anyone that has seen him shuffle around in Ms. Welton’s wake since the divorce would have figured as much.

Mr. Higgins knows almost nothing about football, and this will almost certainly have disastrous implications for the future of AFC Richmond on the pitch. He does, however, know where the bodies are buried, as they say, so Ms. Welton will undoubtedly keep him within spitting distance. In the event that former owner Rupert Mannion ever disappears or dies, it’s safe to say Leslie Higgins will be sure to follow.

Live from the Dog Track, this is Devin, wondering how long it will be until someone realizes there’s an intern running a Premier League club’s entire website.

HIGHLIGHTS | AFC Richmond v Crystal Palace FC

AFC Richmond picked up their third consecutive loss today, their first under newly appointed manager Ted Lasso. Crystal Palace had the run of the action, apart from a solo consolation goal for Jamie Tartt, and are climbing the table as the Greyhounds sink further toward the relegation zone.

Sorry, I just have to get something out quick –

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. My god what were they even doing out there? Am I crazy or did they form a wall along the flanks? They do know that other teams have midfielders, right?

Usually teams get a bit of a bounce with a new manager but wow that was shocking. The only real highlight came from the Palace side, with Zaha smashing an absolute cracker into the top corner of O’Brien’s net.

Check out the highlights and see for yourself. Or just pour bleach in your eyes, whatever feels less painful.

Live from the Dog Track. Woof.

Club Unveils TED LASSO Seat Design

In a surprisingly swift and efficient endeavor, especially considering no one has yet noticed an American intern is running the website, AFC Richmond has unveiled a new stadium feature. Emblazoned on the West End, a new seat design reads “TED LASSO” in honor of the new manager.

Though he’s yet to even reside over a practice and knows literally nothing about the sport, I’m sure no one will regret this decision at all.

My prediction? Someone will drunkenly defecate in one of the “TED LASSO” seats before the end of his first match in charge.

Live from Nelson Road, this is insane.